UPDATE 5/10/00: The above paragraph was written in late 1996. Back then, even though I'd nearly lost all respect for the band, they could have won me back if they dumped Bob Rock and started putting out REAL thrash music again. Unfortunately, such was not the case. I won't even mention the crap music ("Garage, Inc" excepted) they've been putting out, it's gone FAR beyond that now. First of all, the band started harassing Internet pages that didn't bow down and kiss their slimy toes (for instance, look what happened to this former anti-Metallica page); and then, came the Napster lawsuit. Not only did Metallica sue Napster plus three universities for "illegally" distributing their music (which Lars referred to as a "commodity", what a joke) but they then committed the unconscionable act of identifying 335,000+ INDIVIDUALS who had distributed Metallica mp3s! Needless to say, Napster immediately cancelled those accounts, which I can't blame *them* for, because lawsuits are a fucking bitch to deal with...my point is, Metallica, once a bastion of individuality and non-conformism, has now turned against their VERY FANS. Well, all I can say is, fuck you Metallica, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. James, I knew a roadie who hung out with you in the old days, and he said you were always a stuck-up bastard, so I guess this bullshit isn't far from your actual personality -- hell, growing up with Christian Scientist parents would fuck ANYONE'S brains up. Kirk, I don't know where the hell you are in all this, you weren't in that recent online chat and you seem so spaced out with your nose-piercings and stuff you probably aren't that much in touch with reality anyway. Jason, you were never more than Cliff's replacement (and no doubt Cliff Burton is rolling in his grave, no way would the band have sunk this low if he was still alive) and you're probably going along for the ride, so get back to your old band before you completely lose yourself. And Lars, cursed Lars, you were always the most level-headed guy in the band, you had real integrity, and you now have sold yourself and the entire band out by being the spokesperson for this whole business. I hope someone shoves a tennis racket so far up your ass that the handle sticks out of your mouth far enough for Andre Agassi to use you for the French Open (and who knows, did your father do that to you as a kid? I wouldn't be surprised...)

The bottom line is...I can put up with a lot of shit from these great bands that sell out commercially, I understand it's a big temptation. And there was always the very SLIGHT chance that Metallica could chuck the lawyers & pop-metal producers and get back to doing REAL music. But no more...you have crossed the line, fellas. There is no FUCKING WAY IN HELL that I will ever buy another Metallica album, video, t-shirt, or even bootleg, EVER, unless it's a CDR ripped from mp3s downloaded from Napster. I MEAN WHAT I SAY! I was even going to buy "Reload" and "S&M" anyway, just as collection-fillers, but that will never happen now. But they WILL appear on this page, eventually. And if you don't like it, you can all go fuck yourselves...that's not a big stretch, since you're so committed to fucking your fans, aren't you??

[Of course, at times like this, sometimes you just gotta laugh...check out: NAPSTER BAD! for a good bellyful! And don't miss the other anti-Metallica cartoons on that site...]

UPDATE 1/17/01: One down, three to go...Jason Newsted announced today that he's leaving Metallica, due to "physical damage I have done to myself over the years." Yeah, more like damage to your credibility, Jason, unless you realized how hollow the blind pursuit of money is. Or, more likely, you were sick of living in Cliff's shadow. (After all, he got songwriting credit for many early songs...you got fuckin' NONE.) Whatever, just don't go back to Flotsam & Jetsam, they don't want you back anyway. (And I scoff at those people trying to guess who's going to take Jason's place; I'm betting money they hire a session bassist for recording & touring. More money for the remaining three-piece, after all!)

"Garage Days 2" (bootleg)

1. "The Mechanics"--demo March '82 (4:32)
2. "Killing Time"--demo March '82 (2:37)
3. "Let it Loose"--demo March '82 (3:09)
4. "Sucking My Love"--demo March '82 (6:45)
5. "The Prince"--demo March '82 (4:59)
6. "Jump in the Fire"--demo March '82 (4:23)
7. "Whiplash"--demo March '83 (4:15)
8. "No Remorse"--demo March '83 (5:36)
9. "Eye of the Beholder"--demo '88 (5:21)
10. "Remember Tomorrow"--live, Monsters of Rock '95 (1:15)
11. "Two by Four"--live, Monsters of Rock '95 (5:50)
12. "So What"--live, Wembley '93 w/ Anti-Nowhere League singer (4:09)
13. "Am I Evil?"--live, Birmingham '93 w/ Diamondhead (5:58)
14. "Helpless"--live, Birmingham '93 w/ Diamondhead (4:04)
15. "London Dungeon/Last Caress/Green Hell"--live w/ Glenn Danzig (5:41)
16. "Rapid Fire"--live w/ Rob Halford (4:47)
17. "Merry Fuckin' Christmas from Metallica"--spoken word (1:02)

The first six tracks are some of the earliest Metallica recordings ever, featuring Ron McGovney on bass (they were recorded in his garage, in fact.) The choicest track here, of course, is Diamondhead's "Sucking My Love", which the liner notes claim is the rarest Metallica demo EVER. (Although I question that?) The copies of "Let it Loose" and "Killing Time" are also much cleaner than the crapola from Early Demos, in fact the source recordings are some of the CLEANEST I've ever heard on Metallica bootlegs! The live tracks are fairly good, except for the Misfits medley, which is an audience recording and I think I can hear the band playing over the noise of the crowd..."Remember Tomorrow" is a snippet of the Iron Maiden song, and "Rapid Fire", of course, is by Judas Priest. Apparently there's a whole series of "Garage Days" bootlegs out there, but this is the only one I felt was worth owning.

Early Demos 1981-84 has been sold, but not before I copied the superior version of "Mechanix" to the Digital Puppy #4 compilation. (Hmm, I wonder how much effort I should put into finding the "No Life 'Til Leather" demos, now...)

"Cliff's First Show" (CDR; 5/5/83, The Stone, San Francisco CA)

1. "The Mechanix" (5:51)
2. "Phantom Lord" (4:22)
3. "Motorbreath" (4:47)
4. "Jump in the Fire" (3:37)
5. "No Remorse" (8:15)
6. "Seek and Destroy" (7:40)
7. "Cliff's Solo/Whiplash" (7:35)
8. "Am I Evil" (8:23)
9. "The Prince" (6:07)
10. "Blitzkrieg" (7:08)
11. "Metal Militia" (7:27)

A remarkable piece of history, this show...for as the title suggests, it's Metallica's first live performance with CLIFF BURTON on bass!!! The sound is quite good for an audience bootleg -- all instruments, including James's voice, are fairly clear, and the recording itself is flawless. It's also interesting to note that James's between-song comments, to pump up the crowd, haven't changed that much over the last 20 years, except here his voice his higher. (I guess his testicles hadn't dropped yet.) This show also features Dave Mustaine on guitar, which makes it quite a rarity in that respect, as he only did about 10 more shows with Cliff before he got his drunk ass fired.

"Kill 'Em All"

1. "Hit the Lights" (4:17)
2. "The Four Horsemen" (7:08)
3. "Motorbreath" (3:03)
4. "Jump in the Fire" (4:50)
5. "(Anasthesia)--Pulling Teeth"--instrumental (4:27)
6. "Whiplash" (4:06)
7. "Phantom Lord" (4:52)
8. "No Remorse" (6:24)
9. "Seek & Destroy" (6:50)
10. "Metal Militia" (5:05)
11. "Am I Evil?" (7:45)
12. "Blitzkrieg" (3:35)

The band's blistering debut album, after Mustaine got booted and was replaced by Kirk Hammett of Exodus. The original title was going to be Metal Up Your Ass, but the record company balked on that one. It was the first real thrash-metal album to see the light of day (back in 1983) and set the standard for things to come. My copy includes the two songs from their "Creeping Death" single, which apparently aren't included on the CD anymore! Yippee!!

"Ride the Lightning"

1. "Fight Fire with Fire" (4:44)
2. "Ride the Lightning" (6:36)
3. "For Whom the Bell Tolls" (5:10)
4. "Fade to Black" (6:56)
5. "Trapped Under Ice" (4:03)
6. "Escape" (4:23)
7. "Creeping Death" (6:36)
8. "The Call of Ktulu"--instrumental (8:52)

This is where I came in. In early 1985 I was just getting into heavy metal, toying around with the satanic sounds of Def Leppard, Quiet Riot, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, etc. I was listening to a metal show on KMET when suddenly this awesome song comes on called "For Whom The Bell Tolls". Can you say BLOWN AWAY?? Then actually buying the album was quite a shocker, when I put the turntable needle into the crappy vinyl groove and listened to the acoustic opening of "Fight Fire with Fire", which suddenly EXLPODED into a THRASH METAL MONSTER! Talk about a de-virginizing experience!

"Day on the Green" (CDR; 8/31/85, Oakland CA)

1. "Fight Fire with Fire" (3:37)
2. "Ride the Lightning" (6:50)
3. "Phantom Lord" (4:41)
4. "Four Horsemen" (6:08)
5. "Cliff's Bass Solo" (1:34)
6. "For Whom the Bell Tolls" (4:19)
7. "No Remorse" (6:37)
8. "Fade to Black" (6:42)
9. "Creeping Death" (5:24)
10. "Kirk's Guitar Solo" (2:49)
11. "Am I Evil" (3:34)
12. "Motorbreath" (3:14)
    bonus tracks: 3/14/85, Kabuki Theatre, San Francisco:
13. "The Call of Ktulu"--instrumental (8:17)
14. "Creeping Death" (6:43)

Apparently there's some confusion over the actual date of this show. The Japan-hosted Metallica Collectors Page lists this particular show (which has been released under numerous titles, including Damaged Justice '85 and Demonic Invocation) as either "Day on the Green, 8/31/85" OR "Kabuki Theatre, 3/14/85". Further muddying the waters is Roamer's Metallica Page (far and away the largest bootleg cover art archive I've run across), which hosts artwork for the 8/31/85 Oakland show, but the tracklist is totally different!! I wrote email to both of them asking what the fuck is up with this shit, but of course, neither one bothered to send me a reply. (Assholes.) So...the only thing I can say for sure is, the last two tracks come from a different source entirely, and until I get confirmation one way or the other, I'll just assume what I've written here is correct. (And I did check my tape of Cliff 'Em All, which features a genuine performance of "For Whom the Bell Tolls" at the Oakland day festival, but it was too close to call one way or the other.)

In any case, this is a fine bootleg, excellent soundboard, a few glitches and dropouts here and there, but nothing to get your knickers in a bunch over. Great show, too...whenever the fuck it was!!!

"Master of Puppets"

1. "Battery" (5:10)
2. "Master of Puppets" (8:38)
3. "The Thing That Should Not Be" (6:32)
4. "Welcome Home (Sanatarium)" (6:28)
5. "Disposable Heroes" (8:14)
6. "Leper Messiah" (5:38)
7. "Orion"--instrumental (8:12)
8. "Damage, Inc." (5:08)

Another amazing album, the songs getting longer and more progressive, though with the obligatory ballad ("Welcome Home") and an instrumental. This was also the first time I got to witness the band in concert, opening for Ozzy Osbourne at the Long Beach Arena on June 13, 1986. Powerful, powerful, powerful! The album got a lot of airplay on KNAC, one of the few radio stations in the country that would dare touch their material. (Another anecdote here...I showed the album to a gay co-worker of mine, and he slobbered all over the bulge in James Hetfield's...ok, I promise not to bring that up again. :-)

Everyone knows what happened next. In the fall of '86, while touring in Scandinavia, the band's tour bus skidded off an icy patch and flipped over into a ditch. Cliff Burton, the band's uniquely talented bassist, was thrown out & got crushed underneath the bus, killing him instantly. The band lost not only one of their finest performers, but a dear friend as well. Even though Cliff was irreplaceable, the band soon went looking for a new bassist, and finally selected Jason Newsted of Flotsam & Jetsam, who has been with the band ever since.

"Beyond the Wall of Sound" (CDR; 2/8/87, Aardshok Festival, Holland)

1. "Master of Puppets" (8:31)
2. "For Whom the Bell Tolls" (4:09)
3. "Welcome Home (Sanatarium)" (6:18)
4. "Ride the Lightning" (6:55)
5. "Bass Solo" (4:51)
6. "Whiplash" (4:13)
7. "The Thing That Should Not Be" (5:11)
8. "Peanuts/Four Horsemen" (7:01)
9. "Am I Evil?" (3:50)
10. "Damage, Inc." (6:05)
11. "Blitzkrieg" (4:02)

I forgot to mention that when I got this trifecta of bootlegs (this one, Cliff's First Show and Day on the Green), I had to get myself nicely good and drunk before I could listen to them. Because dammit, Metallica was such a GREAT live band, back in the day (and still are, some people tell me...not that I would care!) -- indeed, this live show, one of the first to feature Jason New-kid, is played to absolute perfection. And it would be worthwhile to collect extra live Metallica shows, since they always fuck around with the medleys & cover songs. For instance, the "Peanuts" section (or, more accurately, "Linus & Lucy" by Vince Guaraldi) also includes the drunked-up intro to Iron Maiden's "Run to the Hills", plus the first minute or so of Mercyful Fate's "Return of the Vampire". The band's even done "La Bamba" in concert, once or twice! But...it's not worth the effort on my part, unless someone else decides to make a compilation of these weird live throwaways. (And besides, Lars & Co. fully support BOOTLEG trading, but that's clearly a blatant attempt to make them seem "cooler" to their brainwashed fans. Especially when you consider their luddite attitude towards mp3-sharing, even when it's on a LEGAL service...but I'll get to that part later.)

Oh, and while the majority of the sound here is clear as a bell, there are a number of glitches (esp. between tracks) and the last 30 seconds of "The Thing That Should Not Be" are cut off, so I can only rate this as A- soundboard. But...whatever. Let's move along, shall we?

"The $9.98 CD: Garage Days Re-Revisited"

1. "Helpless" (6:36)
2. "The Small Hours" (6:39)
3. "The Wait" (4:55)
4. "Crash Course in Brain Surgery" (3:10)
5. "Last Caress/Green Hell" (3:28)

All right, now we're getting to the reasons why I hate Metallica. After recruiting Jason New-kid, they put out this EP of cover songs by Diamondhead, Holocaust, Killing Joke, Budgie and the Misfits (plus a "joke" version of Iron Maiden's "Run to the Hills" at the end.) Nothing wrong with the music of course...but....

...originally I bought the crappy vinyl, since that was still my format of choice (sheesh), and figured I'd upgrade to CD whenever I saw fit. Well, lo and behold, one day I saw this CD behind the counter at Moby Disc, priced at an outrageous $14.99!! "Hey, what's the deal??" I asked the clerk. "It just went out of print," the guy said, "and that's what we're selling it for now." "But it says, 'DO NOT PAY MORE' on it!" I interjected. "I'm not paying that much for it!!" Well, suffice to say I should have shut my stupid mouth and bought it, because this CD quickly became one of the hottest items on the second-hand market, commanding prices up to $75!! Eventually I swallowed my pride and bought a cheapo bootleg called "Garage Days and More", at a "bargain" price of thirty bucks, which also contained some "Black Album" b-sides and demos. And it was right after that purchase that Garage, Inc. came out, making all these rare tracks available once again. Dammit!! I swear to God, that Swedish tour bus only got 1/4 of the job done!!!

So what's the story behind this copy? Well, I was sick of staring at that stupid bootleg, and it turned out my copy of Garage, Inc. had a mastering error in "Green Hell" that I somehow never noticed before, and I figured as a collector, I might as well bite the bullet and pick up an original copy. Thankfully, the prices have come down quite a bit, thought not THAT much...I won't say how much I paid for this, except that it was a relative bargain at 10 dollars less than the average eBay auction price, yet still LOTS more than the original $9.98 list price!! At least I was able to make a $10 profit by auctioning off the bootleg, but STILL...bah, fuck it, let's move on.

"...And Justice for All"

1. "Blackened" (6:40)
2. "...And Justice for All" (9:44)
3. "Eye of the Beholder" (6:25)
4. "One" (7:24)
5. "The Shortest Straw" (6:35)
6. "Harvester of Sorrow" (5:42)
7. "The Frayed Ends of Sanity" (7:40)
8. "To Live is to Die" (9:48)
9. "Dyers Eve" (5:12)

This was the most anticipated CD of 1988, and I lined up outside the record store before it opened to buy! And no matter what you think of Metallica's previous releases, this one blows them ALL away. The epic-length songs comprised of multiple rhythms and time signature changes, etc. etc. well I could go on for hours but suffice to say it was (and still is) the BEST metal album released in the 1980's. I caught the band live again in December of '88, which is quite a story in itself!

This was the album that finally earned Metallica well-deserved (at the time) media and critical attention. In fact, the Grammys created a brand new "Best Hard Rock/Metal" category specifically for this record, and invited Metallica to rock their world with a blistering performance of "One" at the 1989 awards show (which I taped, but accidentally copied over it, dammit!!) Of course, who can forget the stunning upset of Jethro Tull's Crest of a Knave snatching the award from them! (I mean, it's a good album, but...METAL?!? Come on...) Well, we've known for a long time that the Grammys are morally and creatively bankrupt, especially since the 2001 show when that fag-bashing, misogynist, no-talent hack Eminem "won" 3 awards based on controversy alone...but I disgress. Suffice to say, as a direct result of this faux pas, Metallica has "won" EVERY Grammy they've been nominated for since, and they always accept the award by saying, "Thanks to Jethro Tull for NOT releasing an album this year!" Even in the years Tull did...

"Metallica"

1. "Enter Sandman" (5:29)
2. "Sad But True" (5:24)
3. "Holier Than Thou" (3:47)
4. "The Unforgiven" (6:26)
5. "Wherever I May Roam" (6:42)
6. "Don't Tread on Me" (3:59)
7. "Through the Never" (4:01)
8. "Nothing Else Matters" (6:29)
9. "Of Wolf and Man" (4:16)
10. "The God that Failed" (5:05)
11. "My Friend Misery" (6:47)
12. "The Struggle Within" (3:51)

A long, long wait for this album to come out, and once again I was right at the door when the record store opened. But this time...oh no! There was a lot of controversy when the band hired producer Bob Rock, who's known for turning great bands such as Motley Crue into trashy pop-metal. Okay, so the album wasn't THAT bad, in fact "Enter Sandman" is one of Metallica's best songs ever, and "Sad But True" & "Don't Tread on Me" are pretty good as well. As for the rest...well, it's listenable, it's simple & catchy, but nothing special. Of course, the public at large couldn't get enough of it! The band made 5 videos which were quickly overplayed on MTv, and I think that might be what turned me off the most, I heard these songs so much, I got sick of 'em! But then again, I used to listen to ...And Justice for All 15 times a week for 5 years straight, and never got tired of it, so you figure it out...

(For some odd reason, a couple years later I bought a $35 Japanese import that contained a bonus track, "So What". My friends (who were also disillusioned with Metallica) couldn't understand it, and neither could I! Especially when they released the song as a B-side for "Sad But True" a few months later! God, I do the stupidest things sometimes... well, after the Napster debacle, I finally got sick of seeing this shitty thing in my collection and traded it away. Which meant, of course, I had to replace it...but instead of spending even MORE money, I put out a message to other disenfranchised Metallica ex-fans asking someone to send me their copy for free. You'd be AMAZED at the number of offers I got!)

...but what REALLY pissed me off was when the band released their incredibly expensive 3-CD, 2-videotape live box set Live Shit...Binge and Purge. At $75 it was literally a slap in the face to all their old fans who could barely scrape together the money to buy their records! Talk about leeching money off the public...I refuse to buy it on moral grounds, and if you want evidence of them "selling out", need you look further??

"Live Shit: Binge & Purge" (3CDR)

Hey, I only said I wouldn't BUY it, right? ;-) Actually, I nearly forgot about this one, and downloaded the mp3s from Napster just days before the filters went in. This isn't a compilation of those mp3s, though -- another disgruntled Metallica fan saw my need and burned the whole set for me, complete with artwork. (I still need the videotapes, though...his were in PAL format.) One of these days, I'll download the box itself from somewhere, once the technology to do that exists!

And you know what really sucks? This live set is FUCKING AWESOME. Metallica is one of the best live bands in the world (hey, I'll give credit where it's due), but the ONLY way to get an official live recording (not counting that S&M garbage) is spending $85 on this horrifically overpriced box set!!! They could have easily cut a few of the crappy "Black Album" songs and released it as a nominally priced 2CD, but noooo...heck, they could have priced the 3CD set alone for the same cost as a 2CD, like Rush and Dream Theater did recently. But ever since 1991, greed rules this band...

"Hey Hey We're The Lemmys" (12/14/95, The Whiskey, Los Angeles)

1. "Overkill" (3:52)
2. "Damage Case" (3:40)
3. "Stone Dead Forever" (5:09)
4. "Too Late, Too Late" (4:17)
5. "The Chase is Better Than the Catch" (6:27)
6. "We Are the Road Crew" (5:37)
7. "Ace of Spades (with intro by Tom Arnold)"--Motörhead (5:10)
   London, 8/24/95:
8. "2x4" (5:39)
9. "Kill 'Em All Medley" (10:33)
10. "Devils Dance" (5:19)

Now this CD is quite interesting, it's an excellent audience recording of Metallica playing a few Motorhead songs at Lemmy's 50th birthday party. "Overkill" has a horrible crackling noise in the middle, but the rest of the songs sound fine. Between Metallica's and Motorhead's sets, Tom Arnold comes on stage to read some birthday cards for Lemmy--after reading one from Madonna, Tom says, "Who hasn't fucked her, eh?" The CD contains a few bonus live tracks, "2x4" (from Load, which hadn't been released yet) and "Devils Dance", and I was unimpressed with them both.

"Load"

1. "Ain't My Bitch" (5:04)
2. "2 X 4" (5:28)
3. "The House Jack Built" (6:39)
4. "Until it Sleeps" (4:30)
5. "King Nothing" (5:28)
6. "Hero of the Day" (4:22)
7. "Bleeding Me" (8:18)
8. "Cure" (4:54)
9. "Poor Twisted Me" (4:00)
10. "Wasting My Hate" (3:57)
11. "Mama Said" (5:19)
12. "Thorn Within" (5:51)
13. "Ronnie" (5:17)
14. "The Outlaw Torn" (9:52)

Well, it's a clear indication of where my interest in Metallica was in 1998, since I bought the last two CD's the very day they were released, but waited over a year and a half to buy this one...honestly, it's not as bad as I feared, although mainly that's because I never listen to the radio anymore and therefore was spared the overplaying of "hit tracks" (I dunno, but "Metallica's hit single" sounds like blasphemy to me!) They've still got Bob Rock, but God only knows why, especially after watching the Year and a Half in the Life of Metallica video, where he and the band were CONSTANTLY arguing, with Bob constantly trying to push the band in directions they didn't want to go, talking to them like children, etc....I guess they really DID sell out, eh? I mean, once would have been just a bad move, twice makes them pop junkie whores now! All right, all right, it's not like they're the Spice Girls or anything like that, but man when I think of where the band used to be ("Master of Puppets", "For Whom the Bell Tolls", etc.) it makes me wanna cry...

Oh yeah, got a chance to listen to their "new" release Reload (which was recorded at the same time as Load, so it's not REALLY new...) -- it was merely unimpressive until I got to "The Unforgiven Part II", and damn near GAGGED...ok THAT is the final straw!! I am NEVER buying another Metallica CD again, PERIOD!!! Hope you guys are happy with your money and your fancy clothes!!!!

On the other hand, the Apocalyptica: Plays Metallica by Four Cellos CD is worth a good laugh; same goes for the "industrial" tribute by Die Krupps...and if your curious what the originals of their "Garage Days" covers sound like, check out The Metallic Era.

"Reload" (CDR; mp3 source)

1. "Fuel" (4:29)
2. "The Memory Remains" (4:39)
3. "Devil's Dance" (5:18)
4. "The Unforgiven II" (6:36)
5. "Better Than You" (5:21)
6. "Slither" (5:13)
7. "Carpe Diem Baby" (6:12)
8. "Bad Seed" (4:05)
9. "Where the Wild Things Are" (6:54)
10. "Prince Charming" (6:05)
11. "Low Man's Lyric" (7:37)
12. "Attitude" (5:16)
13. "Fixxxer" (8:14)

Hey LARS!! I got your fucking album RIGHT HERE!! All mp3-source, all downloaded from NAPSTER, baby! COME AND SUE ME, YOU DANISH FUCK!!! You don't have the BALLS!! I've even got a lawyer retained! COME ON, I FUCKING DARE YA!!

Besides...who the hell would actually PAY MONEY for this steaming turd?? To be fair, "Fuel" manages to be a decent song, despite totally inane lyrics: "Gimme fuel, gimme fire, gimme that which I desire"...geez. A couple of the bluesier songs (incl. "Low Man's Lyric") are also somewhat listenable, but THAT'S IT, I tell ya! Plus it's got that abominable "Unforgiven II", which not only is the WORST IDEA EVER for a song (talk about cashing in!) it's also a prime contender for the WORST METAL SONG ever made!!

"Garage Inc."

Yeah, I know I said I would never buy another Metallica album...so fucking sue me, okay? (Haha, that's kinda funny when you think about it...and just so you know, I bought this 2 years before the Napster debacle, so don't get the idea that I'm breaking my word...) Actually this one's a low blow -- they just *know* I can't resist an album of cover songs, which Metallica has always excelled at. And with a second CD of all their previous "Garage Days" songs thrown in, who the hell could resist??

Well, let's take a look at the new music first. There's a few punk tunes, the obligatory Diamondhead cover ("It's Electric"), and an excellent rendition of Black Sabbath's "Sabbra Cadabra" (with a bit of "National Acrobat" thrown in.) Thin Lizzy's "Whisky in the Jar" is done surprisingly well, whereas "Astronomy" by Blue Oyster Cult seems to be a poor choice. But... BOB SEGER?!??! THAT'S NOT METAL!! Yeah, I've heard the promos where James said how "Turn the Page" reminded him so much of being on the road for years at a time, that he felt it would fit right at home as a Metallica song. Uhh...WRONG!! Unless, of course, you wanna talk about the REAL reason they chose that song...so they'd have an MTv-friendly hit single to support the freaking album!!! (Yup, Bob Rock is still on board with these guys, although they refer to the album as "somewhat produced", in keeping with the Garage Days no-frills attitude.)

But overall, the new music is pretty good, proving that Metallica still retains a small iota of their musical brilliance, as misguided as it is these days. Oh yeah, should also mention that the Mercyful Fate medley (containing "Satan's Fall", "Curse of the Pharaohs", "A Corpse Without Soul", "Into the Coven" and "Evil") is kinda fun, but suffers from the old adage, "You can't cover perfection!" and the fact that James merely can't capture the superbly nihilistic nuances of King Diamond's amazingly unique voice.

The second CD, of course, is where the meat is. It contains the long-out-of-print Garage Days Re-revisited songs, the B-sides from "Harvester of Sorrow" and various other singles, and their famous first two covers, "Am I Evil?"/"Blitzkrieg", from the "Creeping Death" single. Granted, I already have them all on other CDs, except the "Harvester of Sorrow" songs (which I'm sure I would have found eventually) and the Motorhead songs (sloppy rehearsal versions for Lemmy's 50th birthday party concert, released on a series of "King of the Day" singles.) I guess what irritates me the most, I suppose, is knowing that they were planning this all along when they deleted Garage Days Re-revisited from their catalog...

Oh yeah, there's a Behind The Music episode featuring Metallica that's making its rounds on VH1 these days. Oh God, Metallica on VH1. It's really over, isn't it??

"S&M" (live 2CDR, mp3 source)

AKA The Metallica Lawsuit-Bait Series, Part II. :) HEY LARS!! You got that summons & complaint written up yet? I'm still waiting! And you really did lose money on this one, I was actually just about to buy it before you whiners started bitching and pissing and moaning about Napster. Of course, I probably would have been kicking myself for wasting money on such a STEAMING TURD of a record! I even wonder if it was worth the effort downloading this garbage from Napster, plus the hassle of burning the discs, printing out the artwork, and wondering why the hell I couldn't get rid of those tiny glitches between the tracks...

All right. Lots of bands have mixed rock & orchestra before (The Moody Blues, Deep Purple, ELP and Yes are ones that come to mind), but as far as I know, nobody has attempted it with heavy metal music. Can it be done successfully? Well, we don't know yet. But if any other metal band wants to make the attempt, here's a few helpful hints that can be learned from listening to this album:

1. Get a composer who actually knows what classical music is supposed to sound like. In other words, anyone, ANYONE but Michael Kamen!

2. Choose songs that actually go well with an orchestra. "Master of Puppets", "Call of Ktulu", "One", and "For Whom the Bell Tolls" are good. "Fuel" and "Battery" are downright stupid. (Ironically, the two songs that sound best in this regard are the two new songs, "No Leaf Clover" and "Human", which I assume were written specifically with orchestra in mind.)

3. For heaven's sake, it is NOT necessary to have every instrument playing at full bore during every second of every song!! What did that guy from Amadeus say? Oh yes. "Too many notes!"

4. Practice, practice, practice! This whole album sounds horribly under-rehearsed, and there are several moments where the orchestra sounds like it's playing a completely different composition from what the band is playing -- almost like they were performing in a nearby hall and the mikes somehow picked it up. But who am I kidding, to assume they intended this as some sort of artistic statement? They pulled this stunt for M-O-N-E-Y, nothing else!!

"St. Anger" (CDR + bonus "fakes" disc; mp3 source)

Another year, another Napster download. :) Actually, it's been SEVEN years since Load & Reload were released/recorded, but ain't that typical for corporate rock acts? And while Napster itself is long dead and gone, file-sharing services are more widely available, more decentralized, and more anonymous than ever. And while it's getting progressively more difficult to locate rare & OOP stuff (especially with those stupid "queue" systems both Kazaa and WinMX have implemented), downloading this album on the day it came out was easy as pie. (Except, as I'm still on dialup, it took the good part of a week to get it all...but that was no problem, as I knew I could get all the songs whenever I felt like it, and didn't even have to schedule any special "WinMX time" to these downloads. And it was especially refreshing, whenever I had to hang up for some reason or another, to shout "FUCK YOU METALLICA!" as I cancelled the download halfway through! :)

Indeed, it was a curious thing to watch the whole corporate marketing machine in action. First, there was that silly "MTvIcon" program, where they introduced their new bass player, Robert Trujillo, a fairly talented bassist who's previously been in Suicidal Tendencies, Infectious Grooves, and Ozzy Osbourne's band. (Which cost me five bucks, since I'd bet money that Metallica would NOT hire a full-time bass player...but I'm welshing on the bet for now, because he doesn't play on the album! Yep, the bass parts are played by Bob Rock and/or James Hetfield, so even in the studio, they were too fucking CHEAP to hire anyone!! So we'll see how long Trujillo lasts...) At the end of that show, after 90 minutes of dorky bands doing awful cover versions of Metallica songs (except that Korn's version of "One" was pretty good, I'm almost ashamed to admit), it was time for 'Tallica themselves to take the stage. They ran through a fairly good medley of older material, and only then did they premiere one of their new songs, "Frantic". And I'll be damned, it actually sounded pretty good!! It's different, for one thing. But I could only judge the first two minutes, because...that's all they played. Huh?? Why on Earth would the show cut off the "new song", when that's the whole point of this crass promotional marketing tool? Well...keep that in mind, I'll get back to it. :)

Anyhoo, for the rest of April and May 2003, all you heard from the mainstream media is how fucking AWESOME this album was going to be, how Metallica had "returned to their roots" and delivered a product that blew away everything that came before it. Lars himself even compared the new material to "Meshuggah", which (if it were true) made me think, "Wow, this might actually be worth the download this time!" (Because, no matter what, I'm sticking to my download-only "sanctions", even if it sounded like the best of Ayreon, Opeth, and Dream Theater combined, I would never pay money for it. Moral code and all that.) And then...the real reviews came in, from people who actually listened to the damn thing, and weren't on the corporate media's payroll. Without exception, every single one of these reviews has been NEGATIVE. I shit you not. NOT ONE SINGLE REVIEWER had anything good to say about it. Not ONE!! (Except for major media outlets, like Time magazine -- but they're owned by AOL/TimeWarner, which I think also owns Metallica's record label, so that doesn't count.)

Finally, there came the moment of truth, when I (ahem) "acquired" the music for myself, to make my own judgments. And, like magic, it all became clear.

Because, I will say this...the first 2 minutes or so of "Frantic" are, indeed, quite good. It starts with a blistering "chugga-chugga" riff, followed by quick set of chord progressions, interesting bass lines, and nihilistic nu-metalish vocals that all sound NOTHING like the Metallica of old. Even the chorus itself incorporates a weirdly acoustic break! And then...it all goes wrong.

Because that's ALL this album has to offer. And now I know why MTvIcon cut off "Frantic" after the first three minutes, because after that point, the song just repeats itself over and over, instead of building upon its promising elements. And each song that comes after that...umm, how should I put it? Well, I could channel Jay Sherman of The Critic and merely say, "IT STINKS!" But that would be too nice. This is utter garbage. Sheer crapola. Dear God, I'd rather listen to Reload over and over again, than spend one extra second suffering through this shit!!! Truly, it's third-rate nu-metal at its finest points, and nausea-inducing white noise at its worst. And the production SUCKS. Everything sounds like it was recorded in a paper bag, or something. And apparently, Lars & James have let their egos grow so big, that they don't let Kirk do any guitar solos anymore! There are NO guitar solos on the album! NONE!! Not that that would have helped, of course. (Oh, and check out this: The Making of St. Anger. Explains it all, I think.)

It's a damn good thing that my opinion of Metallica, both music-wise and morality-wise, cannot get any lower, because then I'd truly be pissed off. Instead, it just proves my point -- Metallica has sold out, and become creatively bankrupt, and I'm quite amused at the SHEER GALL they had to foister this rotten hunk of horse shit on the public at large, because it will obviously sell millions of copies, and make them richer than beyond all sin. All for what obviously cost them about ten bucks and less than two hours to write, record, mix, and press. Good show, guys! I salute thy avarice!

But that's not all. What really was interesting was the massive number of "fake" mp3s that flooded the file-sharing services, all claiming to be new shit from St. Anger. I don't know if they actually were the RIAA following up on its "threat" to flood Kazaa/et al with "bad" mp3s, or if it's the same random nimrods who have always been doing this shit on their own, for God knows whatever reason. (And if it was the RIAA, I find it amusing that they would "fight piracy with piracy", because clearly these songs are owned by SOMEBODY.) And what was infinitely more interesting -- though not that surprising -- was that the FAKE songs were, without exception, far better than the REAL ones!! In fact, I decided to make a "bonus" CD of the fakes, and I could have made two or three more, since I only got a small portion of the "fakes" out there; but it's time to move on to something else, now. I did want to list here what the "fake" songs really are, or at least describe them as best as I can:

1. "Hell Yeah" -- actually "Feed the Gods" by White Zombie, from the Airheads soundrack, with the last 30 seconds cut off. (I faded it.)
2. "A Time for Hate" -- actually "When I See You Smile", by Bad English. (Heh.)
3. "Invisible Kid #1" -- no idea, it starts with a quiet, moody guitar intro, then breaks into a heavier rhythm that sounds kind of like early Pantera. (No, it's not Down...I finally got around to checking.) Good fake, if it weren't recorded at such an obviously low volume, I might have fallen for it.
4. "The Serenade of Fire" -- a cheap, demo-ish guitar instrumental, with bits of acoustic mixed in with totally distorted, black metal-ish electric guitar. Almost sounds like Burzum in parts.
5. "Dispossession" -- sort of a punk-rock sound to this instrumental, definitely not Metallica.
6. "Invisible Kid #2" -- clearly NOT Metallica, it's almost sounds like surf-rock, very similar to that song used in the opening credits of Pulp Fiction.
7. "Through False Skies" -- HA! That title. :) This one is interesting, because the opening guitar riff almost sounds like something Kirk would have played on Load. But then it goes straight into a new age, Celtic instrumental -- about as far from Metallica as you can get. (It's too bad I didn't save the the fake mp3 that was pure OPERA. That would've been a nice mix.)
8. "Unnamed Feeling" -- turns out to be "Lights of Nowhere" by Twisted Coil. It does sound similar to track #3, but that one doesn't match any of the lyrics or mp3 samples on their website.
9. "Shoot Me Again" -- okay, this one had me going. Indeed, for a while, I had identical copies of it in my "real" and "fake" Metallica folders. What threw me was the church-gong intro, a total ripoff of "For Whom the Bell Tolls" ...but then it breaks into straight up BLACK METAL, more like Cradle of Filth or a second-rate Opeth, and hey, didn't Lars say they were going to "sound more like Meshuggah"?? Because this would have been a nice change of pace, if Metallica really did record it. But of course, it was too much to hope for.
10. "St. Anger" -- a low-quality live recording by some folky guy with only a guitar and Bob Dylan-ish vocals.
    I've been told by numerous people that this song's actually "Opinion" by Kurt Cobain -- sorry for taking so long to update. :)
11. "St. Anger: Complete Album" -- okay, this one was clearly fake, since it was only 42 minutes or so, and anyone with a brain knew already that St. Anger was over 75 minutes. But of course, I set up WinMX to download it anyway, plus a bunch of other stuff, and left the house. Ten hours later, I returned to find this mp3 chugging away at 80% complete...and I had three people DOWNLOADING IT FROM ME, with another 30 or so in queue!!! WTF?!? What IDIOTS are you people??? So I decided to listen to it, to see if it was worth finishing, and it turned out to be...the entire album 7800 Fahrenheit by Bon Jovi. Heh. CANCEL!

Still, you know it's a bad sign when Bon Jovi's WORST album is much more palatable than Metallica's newest one. If you went back in time to 1986 and told me, "Hey! Someday you'll like Bon Jovi's music more than Metallica's!" I would have laughed right in your face. Weird how life turns out somtimes, eh? It's certainly not the strangest thing that's ever happened. Close, but not at the top.

Oh, and I completely forgot...the 12th track on disc one, "We Did It Again", is NOT on the St. Anger album, but a song from about a year ago featuring Metallica guesting on a hip-hop song by Ja Rule. Strange as it may seem, it's actually a refreshing change of pace from the awful junk that precedes it. Oh dear, now I'm saying that HIP HOP is better than Metallica!! I'd better stop right here, then. See you all in a few years, or whenever the next Metallica "download" comes out!! :)

I think this picture sums up where Metallica stands nowadays...(notice where Lars' hand is??)

on crappy vinyl:
• "Harvester of Sorrow" -- 12" single b/w "Breadfan" and "The Prince"
• "One"--12" single b/w "For Whom the Bell Tolls"(live)/"Welcome Home (Sanatarium)" (live)
• "One"--7" single b/w "Seek & Destroy" (live)

videotapes:
• "Cliff 'Em All"
• "A Year and a Half in the Life of Metallica (part 1)"
• "A Year and a Half in the Life of Metallica (part 2)"

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